I had my doctor’s appointment last week. I have such mixed
feelings about it that I didn’t feel like I was ready to write about it.
Here’s what happened:
When the appointment began, I gave the doc a brief history and
then told him the place I was at with the last endocrinologist (she thought I
was ready to see a neurosurgeon). He said, “I don’t think we’re there yet.”
When he looked at my test results they looked too normal to him. And, I think
because he was trying to encourage me, he told me some horror stories about the
surgery. It didn’t quite have the affect that he was hoping for, though,
because I think that surgery is still really likely in the future, now I’m just
completely freaked out about it instead of not scared at all.
I feel like I’m painting him as a monster, and he wasn’t. He
was actually nice and compassionate, and I liked him. He just didn’t tell me
what I wanted to hear. He also said that he would like me to see one of the
more experienced doctors in his clinic (two of the doctors there are
world-renowned), and that he wanted to run the tests again. So I spent another
day sitting at home, keeping my pee in the fridge (for the fourth time in a
year). I wonder how many more times I have to do that, because, gross. I turned
in the “specimen” along with a saliva test yesterday, and am doing the blood
test this week. I should have the results in a week or two at the latest.
I asked him what else it could be if it wasn’t Cushing’s
Disease. He offered some suggestions, but, (at least what I heard him say was)
that sometimes depression can look like this, and had I been depressed?
“Actually, no.” I said. Then he told me that it’s a lot harder to take weight
off then it is to put weight on. That was when I started to lose my mind. I
understand that he would think that. I know that I used to judge people that
looked like me all the time. I just didn’t understand what they could be going
through. So, while I felt compassion for them, I think that in the back of my
mind I thought they were lazy and undisciplined. If they would work out and eat
right, it would get better. So, I told him that. I told him that I knew that I
would always struggle with my weight because I was genetically inclined to be
overweight. But, most of this weight was put on with me eating 1200-1300
calories a day (and I could have shown him my food journal) and working out
five days a week. I think he believed me, but that had pretty much exhausted
his ideas for what was wrong with me, so it feels like a step back, since I
have no answers and before I felt like I did (the answer was: You have Cushing’s.
You need surgery.)
The plan moving forward is to see what the results of this
round of tests are, and then he and the other doctors in the practice will talk
about it and then get me scheduled for an appointment with one of the more
senior doctors. So, I’m overall really discouraged, but I do feel like I’m
finally at the right place so that moving forward I will actually see some
progress.
I feel like I should also give a shout-out to Ellie, who
came with me to the appointment even though she had food poisoning and was
trying not to puke the whole time (she made it!). I’m so very lucky to have
such amazing support.
Sorry, that was a lot of words to say that nothing happened.
But that’s the scoop and I’ll keep you posted.
Also, I’m starting back at school on Friday. When I was
planning for a surgery I decided that I would only take one class, and it’s
Comp. So maybe I’ll have some fun writing samples to post on here. Love to all
of you!
