August 24 is the hardest day of the year for me. Harder than Christmas. Harder than Thanksgiving. Harder than Sawan’s birthday. It’s the day that stole my husband from
me. It’s the day that ripped my
dreams from my grasp.
The week leading up to it has taken me by surprise. I know that I always brace myself for
the difficulty of the day, but I had forgotten how rough the whole previous
week was. This is my fourth
one. You’d think it would start to
feel familiar by now.
I can tell you in great detail what we did on the 21st, the
22nd, and the 23rd in 2009. Now,
in 2013, I subconsciously, unintentionally, do mental check-ins throughout the
day. Where were we? What were we doing? I hate it.
I feel fragile.
Frayed.
You know those threads that hang off of cut-off jean
shorts? I feel like I’m held
together by those and pieces of chewing gum. But, when something is fragile, and you want to make sure
none of the parts get lost, you stick them in an envelope, or a Ziploc baggie,
and my friends and family are my envelope, keeping me encouraged, promising to
just hang out near me on Saturday, texting me and emailing me encouraging
words, remembering that it’s my hard
day coming up. It makes me feel
surrounded, protected. So that if
the chewing gum doesn’t hold up, at least I won’t lose a piece forever, it’ll
stay near by.
I'll keep you in my thoughts tomorrow. One thing that helps me going into a difficult day is to make a conscious effort to find five things throughout the day that would be suitable to write about in a gratitude journal. Just knowing I have to look for something positive, helps me refocus and find the roses among the thorns, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI just recently started following your blog and I read the post you wrote about his final day. I've thought about it many times the last few days and have thought about you. I'll be praying for you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteLove you. I'm on your team, lifting you up in prayer. It gets better. I know our memories are wildly different, and I also know that it will get better for you, too. LOVE you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying!
ReplyDelete