Ok, this may sound silly, but here's some major triumphs from the last few months.
People tell me all the time how brave I am. It actually drives me crazy because I don't feel brave. I always thought that brave was a choice. You know, you are in a certain situation and you choose: either be chicken shit, or be brave. So what I'm doing now, facing life, I don't feel that I'm being brave, but I'm also not being chicken shit... so it's just confusing. I don't feel that I ever made the choice. Yes, this is going to be hard, but I'm going to be brave and do it anyway. I don't know. Maybe I need a better definition of brave. I'd like to let that be a word that I used to describe myself.
But I digress. There have been a few small, seemingly silly things that I can own that I have bravely conquered. This is something that I choose to think of as the adventure of my new life, and meditate on that, rather than thinking of these things that I have to do now and how bad life sucks. Sometimes the adventure thoughts win out. Those are the good days.
I mowed the lawn. I bought a condo when I was single. This was a very intentional choice. It had a huge balcony, a pool, and someone else was responsible for snow removal. The big thing was, though, there was no lawn to mow. I had no desire to have to take care of one. I stopped living in the condo when Sawan, my husband, died, and rented a duplex with *gulp* a yard. I'm responsible for mowing it. I dreaded it and dreaded it and finally bit the bullet and just did it. I called my dad for a refresher course, I hadn't mowed a lawn in 15 years, give or take. Then, I went out there and mowed it. Honestly, it just wasn't that hard. The hardest thing about it was grieving for the husband that I wished had been mowing it for me, but I can still do it. I see women mowing their yards all the time and they can't ALL be widows. I cried a little, but at the end of my sweaty chore, I couldn't figure out why there wasn't a band playing or a ribbon to cross at a finish line...I had done it, I won!
I pulled the meat off the bones of a whole chicken. I am totally sicked out by this process. Sawan always did it for me, and somehow he always did it really cleanly and perfectly. I thought that I would never have to deal with it in my whole life. Not quite how it turned out. So anyway, I needed some chicken. I bought the rotisserie chicken from Safeway and brought it home and pulled it off as best I could. I gave myself lots of grace to throw away the stuff that I couldn't handle, but the fact that I was doing it instead of having Sawan do it for me was a big fat deal. That chicken never tasted so good. It tasted like triumph.
I replaced the handle on the toilet. Now, this is actually something that our landlord should have done, but that would be a whole other blog. At any rate, the toilet handle had gone un-fixed for way too long and I thought I could figure out how to do it, so I replaced it myself. Once again, would have loved for my handy husband to have done it, but I'm learning that I can do things myself. And it mostly works, too, you just have to jiggle the handle after every flush to make sure it won't run.