I feel full, as in, my tank is full. I am voluntarily hearing myself say, “I’m happy.” (This had happened a few times before, especially when I was with my niece or nephews, but not on a regular basis.)
I have spent my summer cultivating new and old friendships. I’m SO BUSY. But, for the first time in years, I’m up for it, and I’m having a great time.
A few weeks ago, I went to dinner with a girlfriend, and she was complaining that her boyfriend doesn’t like to go places, as in, he is more of a homebody, and doesn’t enjoy going out. So, I asked her if she would “go out” with me. We call each other “Non-Lesbian Lovers.” We have “date night” every Thursday night. I am trying lots of the restaurants that have been on my list for three years but haven’t had anyone to go with. It’s so much fun.
I have a pool date every Wednesday with another girlfriend, who works in the school system and made it her goal for her summer time off to go to the pool a lot (she told me I was welcome to help her reach her goal…Um, yes please!) We have known each other for years, but spending this kind of quality time has been so meaningful. She is incredibly deep. She is so beautiful, physically and soul-ishly.
I have also started *gulp* dating again. He’s a man that I was friends with, and I’m really enjoying getting to know him on a deeper level. It is not my plan to talk about it much here; he did not sign up to have me process our relationship on my blog. But, I will say that it has added an interesting element to my grief journey, and he is amazingly patient, gracious, and kind. He makes me feel incredibly feminine and beautiful.
|With Jon at a Rockies game|
After the thing happened last week with the former employee, I was talking to my friend (and also the owner of my salon). I dramatically threw myself down on a chair, and told her, “I just wanna go home and go to bed.” She said, “Well, then you should. But I just want to point out that you used to tell me that every day and I haven’t heard you say that in months.” And she was right. I went home, took a catnap, rallied, and had dinner with my girlfriend.
I have suddenly found my interest in music again. I have gotten out my ancient iPod (people look at it and say, “I haven’t seen one like this in years!” but it still works!) and am listening to stuff that was too painful not long ago and am totally enjoying it.
It’s not that the pendulum has swung so far that I can’t still have a bad day, but I think that I’ve been on the sad side of normal for so long that being even slightly on the happy side of normal feels like such a BFD, and I’m so thankful for it. When asked the question, “How are you?” I can say, for the first time since Sawan died, “Good.” It’s nice to give a good report.