Five years ago today I married the man of my dreams. I chose him in spite of all his imperfections, and he chose me in spite of mine. We always said that no one deserved to be loved like this, that we were so unbelievably lucky. Our first dance, and “our song” was Ben Fold’s “the Luckiest.”
I’ve struggled with life after Sawan. I’ve struggled partially because of our song, because of the last verse (where the wife dies two days after the husband), and also, with wondering if I really was lucky at all to have been loved that way, or if the pain of losing Sawan just ruined me for the rest of my life. I’m realizing, though, that Ben’s last verse is entirely wrong. That for me, true love, true courage, is to live, finding that my soul is big enough to still love Sawan for the rest of my life, like I vowed to five years ago today, and also finding space to hope that someday I will love another.
Happy Anniversary, Baby. I miss you everyday.
|Sawan and Noel Nail|
First Dance. July 1, 2007