Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The Treadmill of Life

I feel restless to the very core.  I feel like everyone else’s life is moving, and I stay in the same place.  Like I’m running on a treadmill as fast as I can, and everyone else is jogging past me on solid ground, waving.  Some of them are cheerfully enjoying the exercise, others are complaining about how tired they are, but their lives are still moving past mine while I struggle and sprint and still stay in one place.

I’m lonely.  I have finally chosen to live.  And yet, I feel like the life that I would choose if I could involves a husband and a family, and I have to wait in order for that to happen.  What does choosing life look like apart from that? In this season where my heart lies fallow, I’m trying to learn.  I’m trying to give up on planning, just surrender the control that I long to have and let life happen. 

There are things in my life that are going supremely well.  I am super thankful for the blessings that I enjoy.  While there is no man in my life, there are women!  Holy cow, are there some amazing women!  I have budding relationships with women that are blessing my socks off.  I am spending my days thinking, “Huh.  People like me.”  I recognize that that’s a pretty good place to be, all told, and eases the loneliness in a huge way.

Then, I am able to do some really fun projects starting this summer at the Pink House.  First priority is the upstairs bathroom.  It’s such an awkward space; the arrangement of it is such that I have permanent bruises on my knees and shins from running into the bathtub after going potty in the middle of the night.  Those days are almost over, my friends.  Plus, when I looked at the house initially, I said that it was pretty much my dream house, it only lacked a claw foot tub and a fireplace.  I get to put in a claw foot tub now, so it’s getting even closer to the space that I dreamed of even as a little girl.  How lucky am I?

And, baseball has started.  It’s so good to have the game on in the background; it makes loading the dishwasher so much more fun!  I went to the home opener, and had beautiful weather, but since the opening weekend, Colorado has seemed to have forgotten that it’s supposed to be springtime (I’m looking out at snow-globe snow right now) and I seem to be the definition of a fair-weather fan.  I don’t want to go and sit at a game in the freezing cold.  I’ll wait until it’s a bit warmer, thank you very much.  Until then I can watch it from my warm living room while I multi-task by getting it very clean.

And yet, with all of this to be thankful for, I still feel restless.  In search of silver lining, I guess I know that I am getting in great shape running on this treadmill.  Someday I’ll get to get off and jog alongside everyone else.  Hopefully.  But, I guess that’s the crux of it.  I do have hope that I will get off someday.


  1. It might look and feel like a treadmill, but that doesn't make it one. I see you and all the progress you are making personally and in your home, and I am the envious one! Seriously. I'm pretty confident that MOST people feel like they run in place while the world passes them by. I can certainly identify. I'm glad you are finding ways to enjoy the season you are in, even as you hope and wish and dream of other seasons. You could always come visit me. :) Just for a change of scenery, you know.

  2. Holly cow! I'm 15 months out from my husband's passing and I feel the same kind of restlessness. Can't wait to take a longer look at your blog.

  3. You are really doing well. After your heartbreak, you have chosen to live. Your mention of loneliness touched me deeply. There is a novel called REALITIES in which a young widow with two small children writes to her dead husband out of overwhelming loneliness. She writes to him because she has no one else with whom she can share her thoughts. The book is so engrossing and so true. The young widow (she's 32) develops strength she didn't know she had.