I feel restless to the very core. I feel like everyone else’s life is moving, and I stay in the same place. Like I’m running on a treadmill as fast as I can, and everyone else is jogging past me on solid ground, waving. Some of them are cheerfully enjoying the exercise, others are complaining about how tired they are, but their lives are still moving past mine while I struggle and sprint and still stay in one place.
I’m lonely. I have finally chosen to live. And yet, I feel like the life that I would choose if I could involves a husband and a family, and I have to wait in order for that to happen. What does choosing life look like apart from that? In this season where my heart lies fallow, I’m trying to learn. I’m trying to give up on planning, just surrender the control that I long to have and let life happen.
There are things in my life that are going supremely well. I am super thankful for the blessings that I enjoy. While there is no man in my life, there are women! Holy cow, are there some amazing women! I have budding relationships with women that are blessing my socks off. I am spending my days thinking, “Huh. People like me.” I recognize that that’s a pretty good place to be, all told, and eases the loneliness in a huge way.
Then, I am able to do some really fun projects starting this summer at the Pink House. First priority is the upstairs bathroom. It’s such an awkward space; the arrangement of it is such that I have permanent bruises on my knees and shins from running into the bathtub after going potty in the middle of the night. Those days are almost over, my friends. Plus, when I looked at the house initially, I said that it was pretty much my dream house, it only lacked a claw foot tub and a fireplace. I get to put in a claw foot tub now, so it’s getting even closer to the space that I dreamed of even as a little girl. How lucky am I?
And, baseball has started. It’s so good to have the game on in the background; it makes loading the dishwasher so much more fun! I went to the home opener, and had beautiful weather, but since the opening weekend, Colorado has seemed to have forgotten that it’s supposed to be springtime (I’m looking out at snow-globe snow right now) and I seem to be the definition of a fair-weather fan. I don’t want to go and sit at a game in the freezing cold. I’ll wait until it’s a bit warmer, thank you very much. Until then I can watch it from my warm living room while I multi-task by getting it very clean.
And yet, with all of this to be thankful for, I still feel restless. In search of silver lining, I guess I know that I am getting in great shape running on this treadmill. Someday I’ll get to get off and jog alongside everyone else. Hopefully. But, I guess that’s the crux of it. I do have hope that I will get off someday.