Anne Lamott lists the three essential prayers, according to
her, in her book Help, Thanks, Wow.
But when I saw her speak about a year ago, she said, and I’m paraphrasing,
that she had not realized until after the book was published that there is a fourth
essential prayer, whatever. (Help, Thanks, Wow, Whatever
doesn’t quite have the same ring, so maybe it’s for the best that she didn’t
come up with that ‘till later.)
I thought, “Whoa.
How often do I pray that prayer?
‘Whatever, God. I just don’t get you.’”
For the last few weeks, that has pretty much been the
meditation of my heart. I’m not
saying it angrily. I’m not really
pissed at God (well, not about that, anyway). Just confused.
I just really don’t get him sometimes (OK, almost all of the time).
I had a brutal summer.
For some reason, the grief of widowhood just kicked my ass this
year. Summer is always hard but
this one was worse, for some reason.
whatever.
I turned off the last of my online dating profiles
today. I give up. I’ve had a few ridiculous dates this
summer. Only first dates. The
profiles I see don’t give me much hope that there’s anything better out
there. A man in your age range,
with a job, that will have children?
You’re asking way too much, Noel.
whatever.
Plus, even if I find a guy that ticks off all of my deal
breakers, he’ll probably just end up being like the last guy, that technically
met all the deal breakers, (and I’ve decided not to use this blog as a platform
to say mean things about men I’ve dated and broken up with, but I have nothing
nice to say about him at all). So,
without giving details, I’ll just say that if the available men are like him,
then I’m content to be single for the rest of my life. whatever.
The whole thing about the “Biological Clock Ticking” that
you hear about on the movies?
That’s a real thing. Only,
in the movies they’re always joking about it, and in real life, it’s not
funny. It’s so incredibly
stressful. It’s constantly on my
mind. The pressure that it puts on
dating, that it puts on me as I give up
dating is so intense. Whatever.
The IRS just imposed a levy on me, for unpaid taxes from
when I owned the salon in 2007.
That whole thing about not needing to keep tax records more than seven
years? That’s not really a thing. There is actually no statute of
limitations for the IRS to come after you. Turns out my accountant still had my 2007 records, and I had
paid but misfiled the 2007 taxes, so we’re getting it figured out, but sheesh. The stress. And the hours spent on hold. The hours spent working on finding files, on re-filing the
proper forms. The feeling that I’m
being accused of being dishonest. Whatever.
My parents are moving.
My dad got laid off in March, a victim of the low oil prices. After the stress of looking for a job
for six months, he finally got an offer. (Yay!) In Montana.
(Boo!) In my whole life, I’ve
lived in a different place than my parents for 4 months. It was in 1996, when I came back to the
states to finish my senior year of highschool and they stayed in Ukraine. This makes me know that if I could live
away from them when I was seventeen and they were in a whole other country then,
now, as an adult I’ll be fine, but it just sucks to know that I don’t have them
around to bail me out. Especially
as a widow. They’ve taken up the
slack with things that my husband would have handled. My dad helps me when my car won’t start. My mom takes care of me when I’m
sick. Whatever.
Don’t get me wrong.
I know that I have things to be thankful for. In a few days I think I’ll be able to get to where I can
think about those things. But right
now, this sucks. WHAT-EVER!
Isaiah 55:9
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
