Another Milestone

I was married for 2 years, 7 weeks and 5 days.  Having always been someone ruled by the calendar, I knew that the date was approaching, sometime in October, when I would be a widow longer than I was married.  I had forced myself not to count. 

I thought that it would feel devastating to me.  That I would feel so sad, that it would feel somehow similar to the first New Year’s Eve that I spent without him, where I felt this panic, knowing that this was the end of the year that he was still alive in. 

For some reason, on Wednesday, I couldn’t resist.  I was looking at a calendar for another reason, and I just counted it out.  I had passed it already.  Phew. 

I felt so free.

For some reason, I feel like “Ok, enough, Noel.  Stop looking back.  Look forward.  Turn your head.”

I miss him every day.  I love him still, and I think I always will.  This is not the life I would choose.  But, this is the life I got, and I have to live it, and learn to love life, and I think I’m starting to again.