Asher

When my sister, Cori, was pregnant with Bridger, my oldest nephew, she had a dream.  She dreamed that I was pregnant, too.  She told me all about it.  It was a great dream, she said.  So fun.  At the time, my thought was, eww.  I was in that phase of life where I was enjoying having no strings attached.  I wasn’t married, wasn’t settled into anything, was dreaming of a life in LA being a hairstylist to the stars.

But things change.  I stayed in Denver.  I made a life here.  I got married, and started dreaming of a family of my own.  I often thought back to that conversation, and knew that dream of hers would probably never be a reality as her boys got older and older.

Just as Sawan and I were finally deciding that we wanted our own little ones, Cori and Scott decided that they wanted to have one more kiddo.  She called to let me know that they were going to try.  Then, she called me to tell me that she was pregnant.  I couldn’t tell anyone yet.  But, hope filled me.  The dream from so many years ago was possibly going to come true.  What had been her dream had now become mine.  Even though she was now in England, the idea of being pregnant at the same time, of having a cousin so close to the same age for my own little one was so exciting.  I loved this little dream.

The email letting everyone know that we all knew now, that the announcement had been made to everyone was sent the day before Sawan died. 

Asher was born in April of 2010.  He is now 17 months old.  He is such a fun, sweet, agreeable little guy. 

I love him.  I love him so much.

But he stirs things up inside me.  He brings up pain.  He is a visual reminder of the dream that didn’t come true.  Most of the time these days, I look at him and I just enjoy him.  I enjoy the personality that is forming.  I enjoy the sweetness of him.  But sometimes, I look at him and I think, my own baby would probably have been three months younger, if everything had gone as planned.  And I cry.  And then I say sorry to him.  “I’m sorry that I cry so much around you, Buddy.  It’s just that I wanted one of you so bad.”