Somehow, not because it was Sawan’s family tradition or mine, we ended up always putting a toothbrush in stockings and Easter baskets.
For him, I always chose either purple or orange. Those were his favorite colors. The last one I bought for him did this really cool vibrate thing, without being a rotating toothbrush. He thought it was about the coolest thing, ever.
He always picked pink for me. I finally had to tell him that my teeth were sensitive, and, even though pink is definitely my favorite color, it was more important that I have soft bristles. Otherwise I couldn’t use it.
Today, I felt a little sad about the fact that I didn’t have a new pink toothbrush from my stocking, so I bought a new one for myself. I picked a really cool one, with a spinning head. I’m pretty stoked about it.
As I used it tonight though, it made me remember a detail about Sawan that I totally had forgotten. By tonight, the third night that he would have been using a new toothbrush from a Christmas stocking, he would already have had the bristles all smashed down and sort of…tangled. I have no idea how he did this so quickly (or at all…I’ve never done that to a toothbrush).
These are the details that seem so weird to be losing. I feel like it’s good that I don’t stress out about remembering every little thing. But when I remember them it makes me feel sad that it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. It’s part of the tug of war of grief, I suppose (the letting him go versus the holding him close).
At the end of the day, my new toothbrush makes me happy. Here’s to the little things. Like new toothbrushes.