A letter to Sawan on his 44th Birthday

Baby,

I thought about all of the things that I could write on here, and I just decided that I would write you a letter.

I wonder if you can hear me, if by some sort of magic this gets through from my world to yours.

I want you to know that I’m finally doing better.  For such a long time I felt so destroyed by the loss of you that I felt I would never recover.  It felt like I was a dandelion, that one day the wind came and took all of the seeds from me, and I felt I was supposed to gather them back to myself and be a whole dandelion again.  I’ve learned how to just be the plain stalk and appreciate beauty in that.

Really, what it is is that I was a caterpillar, and the loss of you was my chrysalis, and I wish you were around to see the butterfly that I’ve become.  I wonder sometimes, though, if you would even know me now as the butterfly, I’ve changed so much.

Some days I still feel so cheated.  I feel like we both really missed out.  I wish that you could see the boys.  I wish that they could remember you more.  I wish that you could have met the littlests.  They are so much fun, and they break my heart.

Arthur is doing awesome.  I’m so thankful that you trained him so well to start off with.  You would be so proud of the way that he takes care of me.  I think he still misses you.  He snuggled me extra sweetly this morning (he sleeps on the bed every night, now, he thinks it’s his bed), he knows when I’m sad.

I wonder what you would look like today, on your 44^th birthday, if you would finally have some gray in your hair, or just maybe a few more “blonde ones” in your beard.  I wonder if you would have some wrinkles finally, or if you would still just be the amazingly young looking handsome man that I fell in love with.

As your birthday gift today, though, I want you to know that I’m ok.  Remember how you loved it when I would say, “I’m happy?”  I say that sometimes now.  That hadn’t happened since you were alive. 

I still miss you everyday.  I don’t think that will ever stop.  I still love you.  I don’t think that will ever stop, either. 

We seem to think that heaven is the best things of earth.  If that’s true, then I wonder how it could be heaven for you if I’m not there.  But, if it is the best things of earth minus the people, then I hope that today you started out driving a corvette really fast, and finish up drinking beer on the river catching ten-pound trout.

Happy Birthday, My Sweet Love.

Love,

Wife