Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Don't forget the lyrics

Was it Wynonna that said “When you hit rock bottom there’s just two ways to go, straight up, and sideways?”

I feel that way sometimes.  Like it’s hard to measure my journey by progress.  And really, why am I trying?  Who do I have to measure myself against, anyway, and whose expectations are they about how I “should” be doing?  Only my own, I suppose.  The thing about calling it a journey, though, is that I feel that I should be moving forward and sometimes I feel like I’m moving sideways. 

I think I’m learning these days to feel comfortable in my skin with where I’m at.  I think I’m actually doing better, because I’m noticing that I don’t feel the numbing sensation of grief ALL the time.  This is a mixed bag, because I feel stuff more.  The bad days are really bad.  But, I think I’m having more good days, too.

I’m also noticing that I feel lonely.  This is a recent development.  At first, I was alone with my grief.  The grief was numbing.  I was ok with being alone all the time.  In fact, I enjoyed it (or at least needed it).  Now all of a sudden, I feel lonely. 

In the beginning I felt like I had this mantra that I didn’t mean to say, but it kept occurring to me like a new thought.  It was “How did I get here?”  These days it’s “I’m alone.”  I think that this is maybe my own personal version of the whole 5 steps of grief or something, and now I’m in the acceptance phase?

I have promised myself that I would let people in to how dark it can really be.  I’m still not quite that brave.  I’m writing about it about 10 days after the fact, when I’ve gotten to the point that I can see a little humor in the situation, but I’m not pulling any punches here.  This part really sucks. 

I spent a Saturday night at home, crying, missing my husband, and generally feeling sorry for myself.  I kept catching myself humming “Another Saturday night and I aint got nobody, I got some money cuz’ I just got paid, how I wish I had someone to talk to, I’m in an awful way.”  And when you start singing the oldies, you know things are bad.  The downward spiral continued with me thinking about how all three of my nephews aged four to seven have girlfriends.  Even THEY have someone.  But not me.  “Poor, poor, pitiful me.”  Then I moved on to Linda Ronstadt. 

I actually feel like this loneliness thing is a good thing.  Like in some ways it is progress.  I was sharing this with a friend and she asked if maybe this meant that I was ready to go out with someone?  I said that it was an idea that I had considered, but no one was asking.  She excitedly offered to set me up.   It was an idea that she had had for a few weeks but hadn’t known how to broach the subject with me.  It’s really funny because I had shared this with a few people, that maybe I was ready, but the prospect of an ACTUAL date scared the bejezuz out of me.  (I told her I’d think about it.  I’ll get back to you.) 

The thing is, and this may be an epiphany to all of you single women out there, but I felt lonely sometimes even when I was married.  Sawan didn’t complete me.  He didn’t always get me.  He didn’t always try to.   So it doesn’t feel like a relationship would necessarily “solve” this loneliness problem for me.  I’m not sure that it’s a problem to be solved.  I guess that I know that the true longing of my soul is completion that I won’t see this side of heaven.  Which brings me to even more lyrics, my song (the only one I can think of for widows) "Homesick" by Mercy Me*.

*I know what you’re thinking.  I always say that Contemporary Christian music is the last stop for the untalented.  But it’s my song.

I’ll leave you with this.  I’m learning to be comfortable with the unsolved questions in my life, like:
Does “journey” have to mean “moving forward”?
What do I do with my life now?
What’s next?
And, from my favorite Killers song, Are we Human, or are we Dancer?


  1. I am so blown away with this post. Thank you for everything you said and once again just how raw you are.

    As cheesy as this might sound, you've truly become such an inspiration to me. Which by the way I just looked up what that word means and Websters says it best: a divine influence or action believed to qualify him or her to communicate sacred revelation.