So I am incredibly cranky today. I’m pissed. I’m pissed about everything. Everything seems to be setting me off.
I normally direct my anger about being a widow at God, or myself (I usually feel like one of us screwed it up, somehow). Today, I have a new one. I’m mad at my husband.
How dare he? How dare he have the audacity to go ahead and die in his sleep? Without first throwing away his own baby teeth? Maybe being a little organized with where the title of his f-ing truck is? He was pretty good at taking care of me in life; he really sucks at taking care of me in death.
I spend a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if the roles were reversed. It seems so random, the way he died. So it seems like it could have so easily been me that died in my sleep, and left him here. I’ve been thinking about that this morning. I often think, “Would he be dating by now?” or “What stuff of mine would he have kept and would he be driving my car?” So it’s been funny to think about “What would have pissed him off?” This is actually making me laugh. Probably my closet (I keep WAY too many clothes that I don’t wear).
Oh, I loved him so much, but he was not perfect. Even though he’s dead he can still make me crazy.