Thursday, January 6, 2011


Today has been a hard day.  I can’t explain it.  I woke up crying this morning, just missing my baby.  I’ve had little moments all day of missing him.  It’s weird how it just shows up.

My nephews are still in town from London.  We had an epic Target trip.  They had to try on pants, needed all kinds of staples, and before you know it, two hours had gone by.  At some point their mom was doing something else and we decided to cruise the “dollar spot.”  I told them they could each pick out one thing.  Bridger chose Batman crayons.  Caid chose a yo-yo.

Later, Caid was working on his yo-yo form, and I was sorry that I couldn’t help him.  I never learned to play with a yo-yo.  My dad, however, is exceptional at yo-yos (He can walk the dog, go around the world, and rock the baby.  I can’t even make it come back up.  I tried again tonight.).  As he was trying to throw it and catch it, I said, “You know who’s really good at yo-yos?”  I think it must be that I say stuff all the time about Sawan.  I’m always telling them stories about him, I’m so afraid that they’re going to forget him, and they loved each other so much.  He answered, “Sawan.”  I burst into tears.  I told him, “No, it’s Grandpa, and he’ll be home soon to show you.  I don’t know if Sawan was good at yo-yos.”  (I’m sure he was thinking, “Jeez, Noey, it’s a yo-yo…try not to freak out.”)

I know it seems so ridiculous that this would make me so sad.  It’s such a silly little detail, but it’s so sad to me that I was the one who knew him best, and I don’t know the answer to the yo-yo question.  Was he a child prodigy at the yo-yo?  Did he even know how?  It’s just one more thing that I never asked him and now I’ll never know, and this can feel overwhelmingly sad on a day like today.

Wanna know some silly details that I do remember?  When he trimmed his fingernails he would leave his index fingers on the longer side.  You know, for scratching.  He wrapped presents like a little kid.  The paper would be cut all jaggedy (I usually make a fold if I do this…I don’t think that ever occurred to him.), and that part would be on the front of the package, with the bow (I always put the taped part at the back…).  This was actually really cute and endearing.  He almost always got me a card on holidays (this is usually a step I skip, especially if I’ve bought a really awesome and thoughtful present), and they were always the super-sentimental, really flowery ones with lots of words on them.  (If I ever buy a card I always try to get the funny ones.)

I don’t feel guilt about this lack of detail knowledge.  It’s not that I wasn’t trying hard enough to get to know him; it’s just that we didn’t have enough time.  This is why a yo-yo can make it such a sad day:  I’m just feeling that this complex, amazing man left me way too soon.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you. It's weird and almost disconcerting at what can pull the scab off. And what emotions flood out can be as disconcerting/surprising as anything else. I love you friend. You'll have time with him again, you'll know about the yo-yo, and probably much much more. You'll have all the time in the world to really get to know each other.

    But right now, yo-yos suck. I hate them for you for making you cry.