I have felt this way before. When I opened my own salon in 2005. When I moved the salon and had to do the build-out in 2008. Now I’m moving again, this time just Arthur and me, but I feel that same pressure in my chest.
The good news is I’ve managed this kind of stress before. I know that if I just walk through it, I can get it all done. I take it one day at a time; get done today what I need to get done and eventually all the days add up to be completing the task. I just have to get to the end.
The problem is, for some reason packing stirs up emotional stuff. I can’t explain it; it makes no sense to me. I don’t know why packing books that were mine makes me miss Sawan. I was packing boxes on Wednesday and barely holding it together and thinking, “Why is this so hard?” I guess it could be that there’s framed photos on the bookshelves, too. I guess it could be that the books trigger memories of me reading in bed with him next to me, but, really? They’re just books.
It makes me tired. I’m tired of being a widow. I’m tired of letting this define me. I’ve decided that it doesn’t. I’m reaching beyond this for something else, now. I know that I’ve defined myself as a widow for the last year and a half. I think that it’s because it did define me more than anything else. But I’m remembering now who I was before I was a widow and I want to be something else, too. My life didn’t start when I became a widow, or when I married Sawan, so I want to see the whole picture.
So I think moving at this time is really awesome. I get to start over in a new house. Even though moving really sucks, once moving is over I get to decorate, which I really love doing. I’ve already been thinking through what I want to do.
With the house I live in now, there are so many framed photos of Sawan that I feel like it somewhat looks like a shrine to him. I’m not doing that in my next house. I’m working on getting photos together of other people and things so that I have some variety. I’m still going to have photos of him, just not quite so many.
It’s gonna be fun. If I can just get to the end.