My new little house

my new digs

Is there a word for feeling two completely opposite emotions at the same time?  That’s how I feel.

I closed on my little house on Friday.  I feel unbelievably excited and happy, and at the same time, devastatingly sad.  I think the word is maybe hysteria.

Sawan and I worked and worked and obsessed and dreamed about owning a real house.  We talked about it all the time.  We spent our Sundays driving through neighborhoods and pulling flyers out of the boxes of ones that were for sale.  We had a game where we would look at the “stats,” you know, square footage and beds/baths and guess at what the price was.  I always won.

And now I’ve bought our dream house.  It’s a beautiful old Victorian.  It has the original hardwood floors and the gabled ceilings that we loved.  It has a cute little back yard.  It even has a picket fence.  The only thing we talked about that it’s missing is the window over the kitchen sink that he wanted so that he could look into the yard while doing the dishes.  I’ve bought the dream house.  My dreams are coming true.  And he’s not here.  This isn’t the way I dreamed it. 

I’m in love with my little house.  It’s such a gift.  I’m happy and excited and thrilled and a little scared of home ownership and stoked that the buying process is finally over and also just sad.  It makes me miss him.  He would have loved it (but probably not the color…did I mention that it’s pink?).

Opening the door for the first time as homeowner.  This is right before I burst into tears.