Complete exhaustion. Days upon weeks of terrible sleep and too much on my mind have compounded to make it impossible to get to that dreamland even though that’s the only thing I need. Cant. Turn. Off. My. Brain.
Lying in the bed in the guest room at mom and dad’s, I roll over onto my side. Face the wall. Put my “leg pillow” between my knees to try to get more comfortable. I can feel what it used to be like to be spooned in that position, with Sawan using the “leg pillow” at the same time. My eyes well up. And then, for the first time ever, I can tell that he’s there. He’s with me. I’m not asleep, he hasn’t come to visit me in a dream, I’m very much awake and he’s come to comfort me. His voice in my head, “I’ll put you to bed.” This was what he told me every night. We had such different schedules, but I waited for him every night to come home from work, then he would come in and put me to bed, then get up and unwind from his day and come to bed much later.
He said very little. I think it’s maybe because I was so unsure of the whole thing, so unbelieving. He told me that he loved me. That I was beautiful. He told me to go ahead and use the whole bed now. (I have been unable to sleep even toward the middle of the bed since he died. I stay completely on my side, I rarely even turn to face his side, it’s just too painful.) He said not to worry about him; he was having a great time.
I got to tell him all the things that I’ve wanted to say to him. I got to say that I was sorry for not being there when he died. That I loved him so much. I got to tell him that I was so upset that our last kiss was so miserable, that we didn’t get to say goodbye. I told him all about Arthur and how proud he would be.
Arthur layed on the bed exactly as he did when the three of us would share the bed. At Sawan’s feet. He never lays in that position anymore, but he did that night.
I wonder. Why now? Why not before? What was it about that night that made it right for a visit? Will it ever happen again? I’ve struggled so much with this, because it’s not the kind of thing that I ever would have believed could happen before it happened to me. So I don’t blame you if you don’t believe it. But it was a comfort, and I’m thankful that I got to be with him one last time.