Welp. Today is my birthday.
33 big ones. I love that it’s divisible by 11 (always my favorite multiplication table, because it was easy).
I actually want to celebrate this year (which, come to think of it, is an improvement even from my pre-widow days).
I woke up missing Sawan. It doesn’t happen that often anymore, that I wake up crying, so I know that the answer is just to get out of bed and go downstairs and get coffee as soon as possible. That’s what I did.
This is my 3rd birthday without him. I sometimes still do that thing in my head: “What would today have looked like were he still alive?” It’s getting harder and harder to answer. There are just too many variables. This is really good (because I don’t make myself crazy with this question like I used to), and also hard. It’s letting him go. It’s more of the tug-of-war that I have been talking about lately.
But, back to the birthday. Some people seem to use their birthday as a time to take stock of the year, sort of make resolutions. For most people it’s New Years. For me, they come three days apart, so it makes it easy.
It’s nice to have New Years/my birthday roll around and not have to be feeling guilty about what resolutions to make. I took care of it in October. I quit smoking, started exercising and eating better.
So I guess I’m thinking about other things.
I want to be a better writer. So I’m looking into a writing class, and also want to take a photography class so I’ll have better photos for the blog.
I also feel like I want to focus on joy. Not sure what that looks like. But, I want to create a posture in myself that I can look toward that. Not like I feel like I’ve been grieving wrong, I just feel a shift somehow, and I want to name it.
I’m filled with hope in a new way. I love the turning of the year for the sense of renewal that it brings. Come on 2012! I’m ready!
Have I mentioned that I’m half redneck? A bunch of friends are getting together tonight for barbeque, beer and bowling at a place in my new neighborhood. I haven’t been there yet but it sounds like the perfect amount of redneck for this girl. We’re gonna start 33 off right.