Good Grief: A little bit of silver lining

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A little bit of silver lining

I pretty much never liked my birthday.

As a kid, most of my friends had summer birthdays; so I always wanted to do something warm-weatherish for my birthday, like go to the waterslide, which is just not really possible in January unless you’re trying to join the polar bear club.

As an adult, I’d say that it’s more about the time of year. January 3 is a rough day for a birthday, it’s hard to get people to want to party (people are burnt out from Christmas and New Years).

Plus, birthdays for me have always been a day to take stock of your life. I’m so goal oriented. I seldom am satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. I’m extremely hard on myself. So, every year on my birthday I would be sluggish, discouraged, thinking about how life hadn’t turned out the way that I thought that it would, beating myself up for not having accomplished what I’d planned for myself.

As a widow, the dark stuff spills onto almost every day of my life. I’m faced daily with the idea that nothing is in my control. I daily recognize that life hasn’t turned out the way that I thought it would, the way that I had planned. In some ways, this has freed me up to not torture myself. It’s not my fault, I did all I could. But it’s still disappointing. This is not the life that I dreamed of.

All of that lead-up is to say this: widowhood has totally redeemed my birthday. I don’t dwell on the fact that this isn’t the life that I was planning. I have that thought every day, anyway. I’ve already gotten used to it. So, now, on my birthday, I can just think about all of the people that love me. People wrote me amazing notes on Facebook and via text and email. My friends all got together and we bowled and played pool and had cupcakes and I received flowers and thoughtful cards and gifts, and there were people there, just telling me that they were glad that I was born. I feel so loved and cared for. I can focus on that and have a kick-ass time.

I love my birthday! Thank God some things have gotten easier as a widow.