Friday, January 6, 2012

Suck it in.

Anyone ever wear Spanx?

Holy Cow, I had my first experience with them the other night.

I was invited to a friend’s fancy Christmas party (at the Art Museum…cool, right?) so I went to my closet and found that I had gotten rid of every cocktail dress that I had ever owned.  Hmm.  No problem.  I have a black belt in shopping.  Actually, it’s more like my super power.  I had exactly one evening to get my shopping done.  Evil voice…“Ha, ha, ha, I laugh in the face of one stop shopping!”

 I headed to Nordstrom Rack.  I found a dress and shoes in record time, but their hosiery department was sadly lacking.  So, looking around, the only pair of black tights/hose that they had were made by Spanx.  I had heard of these, but had never actually owned a pair.  I thought they were more of a fat girl thing.  Well, that’s not what I mean.  I mean a “fatter than me” girl thing.  But, lacking options, and not wanting to make another stop, I bought them. 

Saturday night rolls around and it took me about 20 minutes to get those suckers on.  I broke a sweat.  They came up to, ahem, about my bra line, they were so high waisted.  But, wow, did I look skinny.  I must admit:  I’m in love.

Here’s where it get’s really good: (and, Hi, Dad, if you would please stop reading here) there’s a nifty little “naughty girl hole” in the crotch.  Presumably so that you don’t have to pull them down and do a full-on Gillian Michaels-style circuit every time you have to go tinkle.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so every time I went to the bathroom it made me laugh out loud.  I’m in the stall of the bathrooms in the Denver Art Museum, by myself, laughing out loud and short of breath from my tights work out.  What can I say?  I’m classy.  Having shared this with a few girlfriends, apparently it takes a ballet-style “plie” but then it works like a charm.


Did I just over-share?

After my tutorial from my girlfriends, I’ll definitely be braver next time.  This way I won’t have to avoid eye contact when I leave the stall.  Other than that, I highly recommend them.


  1. You forgot to mention that its like packing sausage to get them on.... xo LOVE

  2. With spanx I just get a muffin top about 6" higher than I normally would! Kind of ruins the skinny effect!

  3. Thats too funny Noel! I remember when I first moved here from Hawaii and didnt have winter clothes yet. Having to brave what I considered a blizzard, my mother suggested that I put on pantyhose! To my objection, she assured me that Joe Montana wore pantyhose while he played and that was how he kept warm! I gave in and tried to put those damn things on! Guess I need a queen size, cuz those hurt and cut off my circualtion while I was waiting tables at Chilis'!