“I never knew that grief would feel so much like fear.” C.S. Lewis
For me, this has certainly resonated. There have been so many times that I’ve felt so afraid. But lately, the way that I would describe my grief is this: “I never knew that grief would feel so much like homesickness.”
I’m homesick. There have been times that I’ve felt this way before, I remember in the first couple of weeks, my sister was still here from London and she asked me what I wanted, and I just told her “I just want to go HOME. I want to go home to my husband.” And now I’m feeling that again. Just a longing to be home.
There are so many love songs that talk about this, so many people that say this about their spouse, and it’s so true, that THEY are home. That home is the person. And now, for me, it’s a place that I can never return to, and I miss it so deeply these last few days.
You know, I always enjoyed being alone. I always enjoyed coming home on Saturday nights after a long week of people intensity at the shop and knowing that I could lay on the couch and just “veg” and watch whatever I wanted on TV, but I knew that at the end of the evening, there would be a phone call from Sawan, saying he was on his way home from work at the restaurant, and then we would get into bed together, and I would fall asleep in his arms. That’s what I miss. I miss that place in his arms. Home.