Well, it’s another beautiful day here in Colorado, and I’m up here writing, trying to put off going to pick up dog poop in the back yard. I’m doing good so far.
I watched another “widow movie” this weekend. I watched “Love Happens.” I have been obsessed with widow movies lately. I went through a phase where I was so mad at Hollywood, felt like they couldn’t get anything right about widows, and wouldn’t watch any movies that had anything to do with death or dying, but lately I want to watch them all. I guess it’s just the phase that I’m in.
I actually really liked it. I felt like they got a lot of it right. It’s actually a widower, so I can only somewhat relate, but he struggles with feeling responsible, and he really struggles with how to deal with his pain. As with anything in a movie, only some of it will be “relate-to-able” but it worked.
The hardest thing for me was thinking about it afterwards. Sawan and I had been to a movie the weekend that he died and had seen a preview for “Love Happens.” All the previews for DVDs that were on it were for movies that he and I saw that summer, like “Julie and Julia” and “Funny People.” I couldn’t help but think about our last movie date together, and it made me miss him so much.
In spite of that, though, I seem to be doing better these days. I miss him so much, and I think that I always will. In some ways, I hope that I do always miss him. But it feels different lately. A friend of mine, also a widow, left me a message last week and she put words to what I’ve been struggling to communicate: It’s like for the first time I’m starting to look forward. I never stop loving him, I’m just no longer looking back, I’m beginning to look forward. I’ve begun to turn my head.