Turning My Head

Well, it’s another beautiful day here in Colorado, and I’m up here writing, trying to put off going to pick up dog poop in the back yard.  I’m doing good so far.

I watched another “widow movie” this weekend.  I watched “Love Happens.”  I have been obsessed with widow movies lately.  I went through a phase where I was so mad at Hollywood, felt like they couldn’t get anything right about widows, and wouldn’t watch any movies that had anything to do with death or dying, but lately I want to watch them all.  I guess it’s just the phase that I’m in.

I actually really liked it.  I felt like they got a lot of it right.  It’s actually a widower, so I can only somewhat relate, but he struggles with feeling responsible, and he really struggles with how to deal with his pain.  As with anything in a movie, only some of it will be “relate-to-able” but it worked.

The hardest thing for me was thinking about it afterwards.  Sawan and I had been to a movie the weekend that he died and had seen a preview for “Love Happens.”  All the previews for DVDs that were on it were for movies that he and I saw that summer, like “Julie and Julia” and “Funny People.”  I couldn’t help but think about our last movie date together, and it made me miss him so much.

In spite of that, though, I seem to be doing better these days.  I miss him so much, and I think that I always will.  In some ways, I hope that I do always miss him.  But it feels different lately.  A friend of mine, also a widow, left me a message last week and she put words to what I’ve been struggling to communicate:  It’s like for the first time I’m starting to look forward.  I never stop loving him, I’m just no longer looking back, I’m beginning to look forward.  I’ve begun to turn my head.