Wednesday, February 23, 2011

More Magical Thinking

I took Arthur to a new place for a haircut today.  Now, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but it was huge for me, and has me doing some major processing.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

 Sawan used to handle the grooming well, everything with the dog.  So, when he first died, I took Arthur back to the place that Sawan had chosen, and tearfully explained that Sawan had died, and did she remember what she had done?  Good.  Then just do the exact same thing.  I wanted to keep everything the same as much as possible.

I have the same car, even though I had planned to replace it the summer that Sawan died.  I have the same hair color, even though I’m a hairstylist and I typically would have changed it pretty dramatically by now.  I took several months to change my nose ring. 

I have a friend that was widowed a few months after me, and almost immediately she went and got her nose pierced for the first time.  I thought that was so strange (no judgment, I just thought “Whoa, that’s different from how I did everything.”), but I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on inside of me that wanted to keep everything, particularly mine and Arthur’s appearance, so much the same. 

Fast forward a few months, and, Arthur had gotten very, VERY shaggy.  When I called to schedule him an appointment at his usual place, though, they were booked for a month.  So, I needed to go with plan B.  I called a different place that had been recommended to me, and made an appointment, and have been freaking out about it ever since.

I tried to get a picture of his new haircut, but he was pretty bored with having his photo taken today.
I realized today what was going on in my head.  I wanted us to look the same, so that if Sawan came back, he would recognize us.  Ugh.  He’s never coming back.  I guess this is just more of that “magical thinking” being uncovered.

Well, the good news is, I have realized it and now feel free to move on.  I may go out and buy a new car, but probably not.  I’m not thinking I’m going to change my hair color just yet, because I really do think that blondes have more fun.  But I’m feeling like I need to do some big change…Hmm.  What will it be?


  1. Pink or green highlights? Glitter mascara or false lashes?

    I vote small steps that still have a lot of impact. A tattoo!

  2. A tattoo is an excellent idea! I'm not sure I can do it, I have a scarring issue (I get "keloids"), but I might just put it in an out of the way place and say "To Hell with it." That feels like exactly the right thing.

  3. My husband died last month. Last night I went from dark blonde after 30 years to light brown. Light brown looks good.

    We were planning on moving out of state. I'm still going to do that. He had good reasons for wanting to move and I agree. Also, I'll be someplace I've never lived before so will be in a different environment.

    It hurts and I dream about him and also relive his death in my nightmares but I'm trying to flow through all of it.

    I'm sorry for your loss. I had a Westie for 17 years. They're wonderful little brats, aren't they? :)